Getting Frustrated, Gaining Some Perspective, and Starting Over in Life

Since I work in the Public Defender’s Office and in a church, I am regularly involved with people who are looking for help in the midst of their troubles in life. Whether the person is “in trouble” with the law or having trouble with finances, alcohol or their family, there is a certain amount of frustration or even despair that clouds their efforts to live freely and joyfully.

A person begins to feel like they don’t have any leverage over against the pressures that keep him or her down. Even though it is that person’s own decisions that keep stoking the fires of destruction, there is an experience of helplessless that becomes part of life. How does this happen?

On one hand, if you isolate any particular issue with which a person struggles, there doesn’t seem much reason for that person to continue their negative pattern of behavior or relationships. For example, a criminal defendant returns to court to show whether he has gotten into an outpatient treatment program and whether they have made any payments on court costs and fines owed in the case. And, though the judge has allowed them 10 weeks to get something done on these two issues, my client has nothing to show: not a cent paid, and no proof that he has gotten into a program or even tried to. Now, as my client tries to explain why he has done nothing, his excuses don’t seem too good. But, if there was time enough to really review what is going on in his life, and what his pattern of living really is, we might begin to understand that he has lost control of his life.

What I mean is that it may be a struggle for this person to even get up and out of the apartment (if he even has one to live in). It may be that this man is living with friends or family or in a motel or all of the above. It may be that he is using drugs on occasion, getting drunk when he gets the chance. He may also have an untreated sickness. He may not be able to find a job (may not even know how to look for one at this point), and he may not be able to pay the child support he owes. And, he may know that it is only a matter of time until they serve a warrant on him for unpaid costs and fines in Knox County or for being behind on child support. He may also have not had a driver’s license for two or three years because of unpaid tickets. What has happened is that one mistake leads to another, until a pattern of neglect has formed a virtual prison around this man’s life. Frustration becomes the continual experience, and the only joy in life is to find some escape from the realities of life. Not being able to afford a real vacation, this man takes regular ‘chemical vacations’ that leave him progressively worse off as his physical and mental health suffer from alcohol and drug abuse.

As I see people caught in this web of their lives, I recognize in myself a similar pattern of avoidance and neglect and desire for joy in life. Now, with me, I have learned ways to cope with frustration and ways to seek understanding over against my frustration; and, because I have had good people in my life to remind me what life is all about and to remind me of God’s grace, I tend to move from frustration to a point where I gain some perspective on my struggle in life, and then experience the gracious feeling that I really can “start over” each day before I allow things to fall apart (allowing mistakes to cumulate). Sometimes we can take our lives too seriously. Sometimes we can consider our lives as if they are too determined.

In many ways we would do well to see and accept the impermancy of our lives. Our lives are like sand castles we build on the beach. We have to learn to enjoy building these sand castles, even though the waves will come and wash them away. We have to learn the joy of building, even as we know the waves will come and wash what we have done away. But, why keep working at things if they aren’t permanent? Why work so hard to build up what cannot last? I can only answer that our lives are not the sand castles, but are found in the work of building, in the joy we have together in that work, and in the determination we have to get up the next day and continue the work for nothing more than the satisfaction we get in working and working together. And, there is one other thing. There is something very wonderful about the washing away of our efforts: not only do our achievements not last; our failures don’t either. That’s why as I wake up tomorrow morning, I will feel a movement in my heart “this is the day that the Lord has made . . . let us be glad and rejoice in it.” In the end, my life is not in my achievements or in my failures, but in the receiving of new life from the hand of the living God. Learning to receive life from the Creator is the source of all joy and happiness and renewal and understanding. We spend so much of our lives looking for life, love, meaning, renewal in all the wrong places. Like the country song goes: “I was looking for love in all the wrong places,” so our lives go as we fill ourselves with things that not only don’t satisfy the longing of our hearts but actually deaden our hearts.

It may be “more blessed to give than to receive,” but it is more important to learn to receive the gift of life from the Creator. Because until we learn how to open ourselves to this source of life and renewal and hope, we really have nothing to give. At the basic core of our lives, we are just like the plants in my garden outside who are nourished by the soil of the earth, who are awakened by the rising of the sun and who are refreshed and given new vitality by the rains from above. Problem is: somehow we humans have found ways to cut ourselves off from the Creator’s gifts; we have found ways to become “unnatural,” to withdraw from the natural relationship of creature to Creator. That natural relationship is one of receiving life from the Creator’s hand, receiving the nourishment of life from the Creator’s hand, and sharing and celebrating that life with each other.

The words of Psalm 100 are striking: “It is God that made us and not we ourselves.” Why would the ancient Israelites have felt the need to remind themselves of that? Wasn’t that obvious: that they had not created themselves ? Apparently not then; and apparently not now. I will close with this Psalm and one other and few comments about these holy words.

“Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the lands. Serve the Lord with gladness. Come into his presence with singing. Know that the Lord is God. It is he that made us and not we ourselves. We are his people and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise. Give thanks to him; O, bless his name! For the Lord is good. His steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.”

And, then the 23rd Psalm expresses the basic experience of receiving life from the Creator’s hand, receiving life from the Creator’s heart.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside the quiet waters. He stills my soul. He makes me to walk in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. And, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table for me in the midst of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

I notice that this Psalm begins in the third person: “He makes me to lie down,” but then slips into the more intimate second person: “you are with me . . . you prepare a table for me.” It starts out talking about God, and slips into talking with God. That’s how real prayer is; that’s how real preaching is; that might even be how real conversation is. This Psalm starts out talking about “the source of life,” and ends up being nourished by that source. From frustration, to getting some perspective by talking about God, to receiving new life by experiencing the presence of God. This is the movement of life in this world. It is the natural movement of life for human beings. It is a shame that we have cut ourselves off from this natural movement. It is wonderful, though, that God continues to give, continues to draw us back into the flow of life from him. “This is the day the Lord has made. Let us be glad and rejoice in it.”

A Hunger for Peace and Grace and Truth

In today's society, there is a noticable hunger for peace and grace and truth. People don't come to church anymore looking for something real showy or fancy - they can get that on T.V. or in the movie theatre or over the internet. No, what people look for in church these days is something real, something humble, something decent, something free of anger and compulsion.

Churches used to make a living by fussing at people through teachings and interpretations of scripture meant to control and change people, but people like me and others in society, aren't looking to be fussed at. We want someone to speak a sane word to us like we mattered, like we shared the same reality and struggles of the speaker.

In today's society, people are looking for an unpretentious church, a place to worship in truth, a place to worship in peace.

So long as we want to bring our anger to church, our desire to control and our need for applause, people will find other places to be - other places where they might worship God in spirit and in truth.

a prayer for openness to the sadness of life and openness to the joy of life

"O Lord, let me see the darkness without losing the light in my eyes."

April 23 at Fourth United Presbyterian Church

I have been so tired the last two Thursday evenings as I start my drive from the Public Defender's Office in Maryville to our church's Thursday night Bible Study in Knoxville. And, each time, I have gotten new life, new energy, a second wind. I don't know how else to describe it but to say that there is just something very real and very hopeful that is happening at our church. After over a year of struggle to deal with merger issues, conflicts, building problems, racial prejudice, the hope I had for this new church is looking like something real. We are a black church, but we have some white members, and now we have a new group of Presbyterians who are looking for a home because they are too progressive and liberal for the churches in our Presbytery. These new friends are all white people, and there is also this group of Anglicans who are meeting as a house church who are interested in joining with us at times.

There is a real hunger in our world for something real, especially in religion where we meet with what is most real and also more often with what is most unreal.

All I can say for our church, 4th United Presbyterian Church, is that it is real. I am tired these days and seeing things through dark glasses. But, something about these Bible studies just breaks through that. We really tell the truth when we meet. We really struggle to find something holy. You just can't find that in this world, or, at least not too often.

And, it is seeming to me and Sonya (my co-pastor) that there is something going on that just feels a lot bigger than us. We may be delusional, but we know that something good is going to happen - something new is going to happen. It seems to me that we are going to burst the bonds of religion and even break down the barriers between those who are "religious" and those who are not. We are feeling the universal reach of God's reconciling love in Jesus Christ.

I am really lucky to have Rev. Sonya McAuley-Allen to work with. Because she is who she is. She loves the truth, and stubbornly works to put truth at the center of the life of our church. It is uncomfortable at times when she seeks to break through the comfortable traditions to the truth, but at this time when I am in so much need of truth, it is very, very comforting.

In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Reflecting on the Sermon Today, April 11

Rev. Allen read from Acts, Chapter 5, beginning at v. 12 and going through about v. 33 or so. It was about the Apostles preaching the Gospel and being told not to by the authorities, and about how the Apostles continued to proclaim the truth of God and then being arrested for it. But, the prison doors opened, and they went right back to preaching the Gospel. The Apostles say:"We must obey God, not human beings." And, at the end, the Jewish elder, Gamaliel gives some wise advice: "If what they are doing is nothing, it will perish; if it is of God, you will not be able to stop it no matter what you do."

Turns out, it was from God.

And, so here we are almost 2,000 years later looking to this Gospel for hope and truth amidst times of despair and falsehood.

What Rev. Allen focused on today was the part of the passage where the Apostles explain their disobedience to the local authorities - they simply said: "We must obey God, not human authority."

And, what she said in her sermon showed that she was really trying to bring that word into our lives; into the lives of those who want change so badly, but can't seem to find it. She spoke a word to reach those who are held back from needing acceptance from human beings, when God's acceptance is what brings redemption and freedom - both in this life and the next.

It left us with something to think about. For those who really care a lot about how others view them - which is the overwhelming majority of us - it may have really hit a nerve. It may have raised a question that ought to be repeated in the soul: "Why can't I forget them and serve the Lord?!"

Congratulations to Melissa Paul! Welcome to Alex!

Melissa Paul, a deacon at 4th United Presbyterian Church, has given birth to a little boy, born on April 5, 2010. He was 8 lbs., something, looks great, and both mother and son are doing very well. Missy was to be home with Alex by yesterday. We celebrate and give thanks to God for Missy's joy and this new little person among us.


Bible Study is tonight, April 8, 6 p.m. We will be discussing where we are in this new church development process, including discussion of some new things that are coming just around the corner. I look forward to seeing all who are able to be there.

Read Psalm 67 in preparation.

A Good Friday Reflection on the Meaning of Lent

Many Christians observe "Lent" and practice "giving up things" for Lent. Some give up chocolate, others give up t.v., others give up soft drinks or coffee or wine or beer.

I don't ever give anything up for Lent - at least not voluntarily. But, this Lenten season, I ended up pretty much giving up two things: coffee (which I love, but which was hurting my stomach) and blogging (which I just lost the desire to do).

It occurred to me tonight that Lent is the voluntary practice of giving up things, because in life we have to undergo and survive the experience of involuntarily giving up things. We have to learn to give up so much that is so important. We have to learn to give up our health eventually, our ability to control this and that, and even our loved ones. It is actually a pretty solemn spiritual discipline, learning to give up things in preparation for giving up what is most precious in life and even life itself.

Life is a joy, and life is a struggle. As OCMS sings: "Walking a line between faith and fear." And, though we have each other to travel with, there is something deeply personal that each of us has to bear. There is a moment when you just plain have to bear it by yourself.

I always liked a song by Jackson Browne called "For a Dancer." Here are a couple of lines from it:

"Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours another's steps have grown
In the end there is one dance you'll do alone."

In worship this Sunday, we sang: "Jesus Walked this Lonesome Valley."

"Jesus walked this lonesome valley. He had to walk it by himself. Nobody else could walk it for him. He had to walk it by himself."

When we come to understand this, then we can help each other out, not necessarily by taking the load off of each other, but by understanding something about the load each other is bearing. In that way, we really do help each other bear the load.

These two thoughts are before me: one, about learning to give things up and reflecting on that as being a central learning of life, and two, about the deeply personal nature of that learning process.

As I have watched people I have known and loved die: some younger, some older, they have to learn to give up this and that precious part of life. For one, it was financial security, for another, it was sanity, for another it was the ability to walk, for another, the ability to drive, for another it was the ability to live on their own. But, nothing is more painful to give up than those we love. As we lose those we love to death, we learn the meaning of Lent: learning to give up that which is most precious, while learning the courage to live with the loss. At some point, even those with faith cry out to God: "My God, my God why hast thou forsaken me!?" Faith outlasts that cry in the end, endures it. Or, maybe that very cry is at the heart of faith - completely pouring out the deepest heartfelt experience of life and death before God. And, that painful question gets an answer - someday, it gets an answer, not in words, but in the shocking appearance of God in our midst, the life-giving presence of the Holy. I guess that is what Easter is all about.

Rachel Taylor

Rachel Taylor, one of our church members, and the first new member of 4th United Presbyterian Church, died this Tuesday, March 30 after suffering for much of the last year with cancer. We remember Rachel with gratitude to God for her encouraging and kind and joyful spirit. And, we remember her mother, Barbara Taylor, and the rest of their family in our prayers this day.

At the request of Rachel, which is being honored by her mother, there will be no funeral service.

"O Lord, support us all the day long, until the shadows lengthen and the evening comes, and the busy world is hushed, and the fever of life is over, and our work is done. Then in Thy mercy grant us a safe lodging, and a holy rest, and peace at the last; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen." Book of Common Worship, 1946 Edition

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We will celebrate Maundy Thursday this evening at 7 p.m. at Central United Methodist Church, remembering the passover meal our Lord ate with his disciples before his arrest and crucifixion.